


Our Cure

by 01blackcat02



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:22:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/01blackcat02/pseuds/01blackcat02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was tired of their worried looks and cautious words of encouragement and pity. ‘It will be okay Alfred’ they would say, ‘soon you’ll find them and it will be over.’</p><p>Originally posted on my tumblr on November 18th, 2015</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: warning for depression, anxiety, slightly suicidal (definitely in later chapters - watch for warning notes.)
> 
> Short story about 4 chapters total depending on the edits, will update as I have time.

He leaned over clenching his heart in pain. It contrasted and he breathed in sharp, rapid gasps. A hand landed on his shoulder rubbing in comfort, the concerned voice of his brother muffled in his ears. The pain intensified again and Alfred gasped out, digging his fingers into his chest wrinkling his tee-shirt. Then, just as sudden as it came, it receded and he could breathe again.

“Hey, you alright?” Matthew questioned. “Here have some water.” 

He pushed the cold glass into Alfred’s hand forcing him to take a sip. The cold liquid stabilized and calmed the American, but the pain in his chest was still there, just a constant pulsating feeling which didn’t leave no matter how much he tried to overwhelm it with happiness. 

Breathing out he forced a smile. “Sorry guys, it’s okay.” He flashed them a smile that painfully stretched over his lips. “I’m fine really.” 

Ivan and Matthew didn’t seem convinced. The two exchanged a worried glance before Matthew turned and frowned at his brother. “I don’t know Al these episodes had increased and seem to be getting stronger.”

Matthew was concerned as always and Alfred couldn’t blame him. These episodes were definitely getting stronger, and it was getting harder to pretend, but it was his soul mate that the American was worried about. 

“You know how it is. I’ve had this since childhood.” Alfred tried to laugh it off, but his companions didn’t share the feeling. 

The pain throbbed dully in his chest, swirling uncomfortably in his heart. Soon it would start again. The pain would seize his body, numbing it, and he would just have to endure the pain until it contracts into a small, dull ache in his chest once again. 

This, however, will be one of those episodes, he can feel it. 

“You know I think I’ll go home.” Alfred got up from the bar chair and pulled out his wallet. “I still have that psych homework to finish.” Finding some cash Alfred threw a twenty on the table before hurriedly grabbing his jacket. “Here’s my part, I’ll see you guys later.” 

He distantly heard their halfhearted goodbyes as he pulled on his jacket and stumbled out onto the street. 

The pain was increasing again spreading out into his gut. The anxious butterflies danced in his stomach making him feel nauseous. Alfred pulled the jacket closer bracing against the cold November wind as he stumbled out of the bar down the familiar streets. His apartment was exactly seven blocks away from the local bar. 

Today was Friday. His roommates, hopefully, were out with their own friends so that Alfred could curl up in his room and endure the pain alone.

He was tired of their worried looks and cautious words of encouragement and pity. ‘It will be okay Alfred’ they would say, ‘soon you’ll find them and it will be over.’

But those words meant nothing to him now. Right now when he was needed the most there was nothing he could do. For as long as he remembered he was stuck in this limbo of pain and helplessness. 

It first happened to him when he was five. He cried every day for a week. With no visible injuries his parents dragged him from one doctor to another trying to find the cause of this pain. Finally, a soulmate specialist determined that the pain he felt was that of his soul mate. The person he was supposed to love and spend his life with was in extreme pain and there was nothing he could do. 

Since then Alfred never cried again. 

Instead he buried all that pain, along with his own, deep inside and masked it with his now trademark smile. Alfred was the happiest child on the playground, he never cried, always laughing. Nothing would bring him down. And he would continue this charade throughout his high school years and now university career. 

Everyone loved Alfred, he was never sad. He couldn’t be sad.

He stumbled into the dark apartment. The pain was pulsing now, insistent inside him.

Quickly locking the door Alfred shuffled past the living room, hitting his knee against the couch in the dark. Cursing he made it to his bedroom door and almost fallen over as he entered the familiar room.

Clenching a fist over his heart, Alfred slid down the door, as he imagined reaching inside his chest and taking the heart out. Even for a little while…anything that would ease the sharp pain inside. 

He breathed in and out. The dull ache spread through his body again, numbing him.

It would be so easy to give in. Allow it to consume him and give up. He could just lay down here and never get up. 

A choked cry escaped his gasping mouth before Alfred could help it. 

He quickly bit his lips. Alfred stubbornly rubbed his eyes before the tears could fall.

No he won’t give in. He’s going to meet his soul mate and make sure they won’t ever feel this way ever again. 

He swore it.


	2. Chapter 2

“You know, Alfie, you should see Katie again. You remember her, right, that nice girl a few doors down from us.”

Alfred suppressed a sigh and let his mother talk about the redhead he knew since preschool. He glanced at the calendar. Today’s dreaded date, February 14th, had a heart shape around it drawn by his roommate. The date that made all the people with soulmates buy expensive gifts and proclaim their love to the rest of the world. While those who were still without their pair were left extra frantic. Trying to find a connection or someplace to be just so they wouldn't have to be on the receiving end of the sympathetic pats on the back and pitying looks.

It’s days like this that made Alfred most unhappy.

“No mom it didn't work out, besides if it was her I'd know it a long time ago.”

“Well I'm just trying to help.” Came her exasperated voice. “Did you try that dating app? I heard that Jaspers' son next door found their match online.”

Alfred silently banged his head against the cabinet. Every week was the same. _How are you? Is the pain still there? Well did you try so and so? How about that soul mate site I heard on the radio?_ With each negative response she always ended with. _Well don't worry Alfie, your dad and I only met in our senior year in college, you still have two years left._

He wondered if she was saying it more for her own sake.

A knock at the front door startled Alfred. He walked from the kitchen and opened the door all the while his mother’s voice still rattled in his ear. With an acknowledging nod Alfred let Matthew into the dorm.

His brother raised an eyebrow in question, to which Al mouthed ‘mom’ in response and retreated back into the kitchen.

“...you know I’m just concerned, Alfred, that’s all.” She continued without seeming to take a breath. “But you should still-”

Alfred had enough.

“Yea mom, listen, I gotta go but I'll talk to you later. Ok?”

His voice must have carried some of his irritation, because she sighed in frustration. “Oh alright.” But then more gently, “I love you Alfred and that won't ever change ok.”

Alfred smiled weakly. “I love you too mom. Bye.”

He ended the call and turned to look at Matthew, who was sitting on the couch texting most likely his boyfriend.

“She expects you and Ivan for dinner soon Matt.”

His twin snorted. “She always does.” He looked up. “Are you ok?”

“Yea, you know how she is.” Alfred placed his phone down and pulled out coffee and filters from the cupboard.  

“Well don't let it bother you too much, plenty of people find their soulmates late. You don't have to be a poster couple of 'sweethearts since childhood' or any of that shit. Everyone is different.” Matthew was looking at his phone smiling as he continued texting.

“Easy for you to say.” Alfred grumbled as he put the filter into the coffee maker.

The room felt into silence.

“Anyways,” Alfred licked his lips, putting a few teaspoons of coffee in and turned on the machine. He turned away and swept the room for something other than his brother to look at. “There's a party in the dorm across campus. You know for all us loners.” Alfred grinned. It didn't reach his eyes. “You gonna be with Ivan right? So go be your cutesy lovey selves. I’m sure he has something planned.”

“Al you know you don't have to go if you don't want to.” Matthew stood up and walk to his brother trying to catch his eyes. “I know everyone is putting pressure on you about this, but you just can't force it.”

Already having to put up with consolations from his roommate and mother all morning, Alfred really couldn’t bite back his words like he usually did.

“But what if they're there?!”

Both men went silent.

The rumbling of the coffee maker the only sound in the room filled with tension.

“What if tonight,” Alfred continued voice thin. “I decided that I didn't want to go and my soulmate is there and I will lose my chance at ending all this misery.”

Matthew looked a little lost. “Well, I wasn't looking for anyone when Ivan and I-”

“I'm not like you and Ivan, okay?” Alfred bit out.

Matthew started to apologize but Alfred cut him off. “Look, forget about it. Ok? I'm just tired of feeling this...helplessness. I'm the only one left out of our high school that’s still without anyone. Mom has been calling every week for the past year throwing suggestions at me, which drives me crazy!”

The anger left him with emptiness.

Matthew’s silence wasn’t any comfort either.

Alfred drew in a deep breath. He couldn’t look at Matthew’s worried face. Not when his eyes stung with unshed tears.

“You don't know what it feels like.” A picture on the wall of his roommate, Isaac and his girlfriend caught, Alfred's eyes. He stared at it feeling his chest contract, a warning to another episode.

“To know that they’re suffering and there’s nothing you can do but feel their pain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a long while since the first chapter...sorry about that. Originally this would have been ready for Valentine's Day but of well :P
> 
> Also, I got super inspired to continue this story after I saw an experimental film "The Lobster" go look at the 2016 trailer if you're curious but as a warning it is rated R


	3. Chapter 3

The party was well underway by the time Alfred pulled himself together. There were bodies dancing, drinks passed around, and people shouting over the beat of the music. How was anyone supposed to find their soulmate in this mess, Alfred didn't know, but he supposed he wasn't the only one not wanting to be alone today. 

Him and Matthew grew up in a small town and came to this large city for university. Matt and his soulmate Ivan, who met in high school, wanted to study in the veterinary field while Alfred just wanted to get away. Watching his classmates pair off year after year made him realize that there wasn't anyone left. Following his brother was a lot better than sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. 

He pushed through the crowd past the dancers to grab another drink from the fridge. Popping the cap he looked around the room. There were some people he recognized from his classes, but most were strangers. He leaned against the counter sipping his drink. 

A pair by the window shyly leaned in pressing against each other. Alfred should have looked away, but he was curious. 

Everyone here was searching for their pair. 

Apparently there's a pull that calls two people together. Some find their match in their childhood while others who are separated by greater distance meet later in their adult life. 

The pair pulled away slowly, awkwardly shifting and looking around. 

Alfred swallowed his beer. So it didn't work out. He watched them go their separate ways, the girl self-consciously shaking her head when her friend rushed to her. 

It didn't work out. No hard feelings. There will always be another one. 

Alfred opened another bottle and chugged it. How much did he have already? He didn’t remember. It didn’t matter anyways.

Beside him the fridge door opened, someone rummaging through the bottles searching for a drink. 

Glancing at the man, Alfred took in the lean body clad in tight black jeans and shirt. His drunken mind swirled. The man looked good. Alfred’s lips stretched into a smile, mouth partially opened to get the man's attention. 

The stranger’s green eyes suddenly darted to him just over the fridge door. 

‘Wow those are some huge eyebrows.’ Alfred thought. He hoped he didn't say that out loud since the man narrowed his eyes making his massive brows furrowed and angry looking. 

“Um....hey.” Al nodded lamely taking a sip. 

“Hey.” Eyebrows responded, then frowned. 

Alfred didn’t feel it coming. 

Usually he had a warning, a dull ache that expanded slowly, but this sudden pain spiked in an instance, rendering him immobile. Alfred gripped the counter for purchase biting his lips to keep the pained gasps silent. Shutting his eyes he counted to ten feeling the sharpness gradually retreat back. 

When he opened his eyes, he was alone. 

Quickly scanning the room Alfred caught a glimpse of the man being pulled into a room by another blonde who was busy sucking on his neck. 

Breathing out steadily Alfred took a few moments to gather himself. It was a day of celebration and togetherness. Glancing around the room again, Alfred drank the last bit of his beer to dull the ache. He turned and pulled two more bottles from the fridge. 

‘Fuck it.’ 

Gathering his courage he strutted to a guy texting on a couch. 

Maybe Eyebrows had the right idea. Just because they didn't have their soulmates didn't mean they had to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Partly vs partially???? I'm still not sure about these two...


	4. Chapter 4

“Alfred?” Matthew’s voice was muffled behind the door.

“Yea? Come in.” Alfred called back.

When his brother opened the door, it swung only half way as various articles of clothing bunched up underneath it. Matthew frowned, watching Alfred mashing buttons on the controller not pausing the game. With an uncertain air the younger twin finally sat on the bed.

He quietly looked around the messy room. Clothing was thrown everywhere. Empty pizza boxes were stacked in a corner. The bed was unmade and Matthew eyed the numerous torn foil wrapper cautiously.

Alfred was cursing under his breath and when his character died in a fiery explosion, Matthew finally raised his voice.

“How long are you gonna go on like this?”

Alfred threw the controller down in anger, the ‘game over’ text flashed on the screen mocking him.

“Like what?” He crawled to the console on the floor and fiddled with his stack of games thrown around it.

“Mom and dad been worried.”

“They always are.”

“Yea but...isn't this a little ridiculous?”

Alfred shrugged. “They were the ones telling me to put myself out there and try harder.” He gestured vaguely around the room as if to show his efforts.

“But Al, you’re not really trying…”

“Well, you were also the one who told me that your soul mate came when you’re not looking.” Alfred bit out angrily.

“But isn't going through the list of everyone in our school a little much?” Matthew replied quietly.

When Alfred didn't immediately yelled back Matthew went on.

“Last week it was Daniel, the week prior it was Linda, and now it's Jim. Not to mention all the randoms from the past year. Mom is short of a heart attack.”

“Yea, well, I guess one little kiss isn't enough for me to really tell.” Alfred was looking through the game cases refusing his brother a proper conversation.

“Alfred…”

“What Matthew?!” His yell was so sudden it startled them both.

Anger flared up and Alfred felt too bitter to push it back. With this sudden urge to scream his frustration and disappointment he stood up, towering over his brother.

“It's always the same thing. ‘Alfred do this’ or ‘Alfred do that. When are you gonna find someone? You won't be young forever. Maybe you should try harder’ or ‘Alfred you can't rush these things true love doesn’t work this way. Why can't you be like your brother and settle down already?!’”

A door distantly closed in the hallway, presumably his roommate leaving the apartment.

Alfred’s voice was still echoing off the walls, rigging in his ears.

Matthew’s eyes were wide, mouth open. He seem to be having a hard time finding the right words.

Alfred was expecting the pain to flare up, but nothing came.

He's been feeling numb for months now. He should have been relieved, but it only left him hollow. With no way of knowing what happened to his soulmate Alfred just gave up. He exhaled and collapsed onto his office chair near by, head resting in the palms of his hands.

“Alfred?” Matthew finally dared to break the silence in the room.

He shook his head. “I'm just so tired Mattie.” He looked up, eyes stinging. “Everyone seems to know what to do. They’re all full of opinions on what's the right choice, the right step. But you know what? They’re full of shit. There no soul mates. Maybe it’s just people who are happy to settle on the first one that could tolerate their bullshit.” He sniffled. “And they in turn put up with theirs. Maybe I've been told all these lies of a perfect match, true love, and all the other crap that sells the story everyone gobbles up, knowing it's a lie and I'm just too stupid to figure that out and truly believed in it. And now it fucked me up with all the expectations.”

He rubbed a hand under his nose, eyes watering. “Instead of settling for that first one, I was waiting on someone who doesn't exist.”

Helplessly Matthew looked at his brother wreaking his brain for the right words.   
“Alfred you know that not true....I mean, look at mom. She and dad.” He stopped after seeing Alfred’s irritable expression. “...umm...or Ivan and I...” He continued weakly.

But Alfred just shook his head and turned away. “I really am too tired for this conversation. Can you just leave me alone? Please?”

Matthew stayed on the unmade bed watching his brother internally fall apart. He looked over the messy room. The movie posters on the walls, the dirty laundry and the half eaten food. All his instincts screamed at him to stay and help his brother through this. To make him see that he got it all wrong.

But it wasn’t in Matthew’s nature to go against his big brother. If he needed space, so be it.

When Alfred heard his brother stand up and gently close the door behind him, Alfred swung around and buried his head against his forearms on the desk.

He finally allowed himself to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to 'aphunitedstates' for saving me with that one word, I would have spend days wreaking my brain for it.
> 
> Might be some spelling errors...I tried to catch em all but I'm just too tired rn....


End file.
